Sunday, November 7, 2010

10 Reasons Why I Found This Week At Work Hilarious

1. Immediately on sitting down, I find I have once again selected the "Incredible Shrinking Chair" as my seat for the night. Periodically, the hydraulic portion of the chair fails bit by bit, causing me to experience "work turbulence" throughout the night.

2. The other staff bicker about who did what and when. Immediately after, they proceed to bicker about bickering.

3. Workplace discovers workers are spending too much time on facebook and blocks the site, inadvertently blocking their ability to maintain their own facebook fan page, which was created as a PR stunt. Employees catch on and realize by becoming a fan of the workplace, they will force the IT department to keep access open in the vain hope of employees creating user-generated content and sending traffic to their fan page. Employees never open the fan page and would rather die before creating user-generated content for the workplace.

4. When common supplies are not ordered due to the stock room spending too much time playing solitaire or other online flash games, a lengthy email is sent out, desperately trying to explain the supplies could not be acquired because the nation's plastic mines are being depleted, but a new mine is expected to open up soon.

5. There is an employee who, at one time, was likely very efficient. Unfortunately every system, computer program, and protocol she was efficient at has not been in use for the past 20 years. The employee is now only efficient at consuming more oxygen in the room than anyone else while still physically moving the least.

6. At some point, there is a fire somewhere in the building that is announced over the PA system. An hour after the initial announcement, they announce it's "All Clear." Despite apparently having an actual, dangerous fire for an entire hour, the systems automatic fire drill sounds in the same location approximately half an hour after employees were finally allowed to return to their stations. Some of these take it as a sign they are finished for the day and go home.

7. Older, less efficient employees desperately attempt to "teach" me anything about anything about my job in attempt to show superiority. After two hours of me relatively effortlessly outperforming two of those specific coworkers combined, I walk into the break room to discover one of them browsing the classified section for jobs. I decide not to tell her about,, or Google.

8. A supervisor spends at least 45 minutes roaming the halls searching for the missing employees he believes were injured in the actual fire three hours ago. The remainder of the staff knows they left, but do not say anything.

9. Despite having an extremely high-tech system, the creators of the program most of us use failed to take in the concept of "Day-Light Savings Time." As we fell back an hour, the system fell apart entirely, unable to understand how there could be two 0100's in one day without the aid of a Delorean and a Mr. Fusion. This prevented anyone from doing any work for two hours. Unfortunately, we are paid for the same system, so although we were all here for an extra hour this shift, no one will get paid for it.

10. The supervisor has decided the employees that left during the fire drill somehow became confused and thought everyone was supposed to leave. He attempts to reach several of them via cell phone, but none of them answer. He assumes it's a coincidence. Google Latitude shows all but one of them currently at Pat's Bar.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Who is the most hilarious? George Carlin, Jerry Seinfeld, or Sarah Palin?

There are some funny people out there. I was attempting to determine the funniest person to ever exist and have narrowed it down to George Carlin, Jerry Seinfeld, and Sarah Palin. I'm rating on these criteria: Popularity, Connection With the Common Man, and Influence.

George Carlin
He's like the Jesus of the comedy world. All comedians know his stuff and never cease to constantly give him credit to their "success." Plus he died recently, a smart move on his part, because it boosted his popularity to at least an 8.

Jerry Seinfeld
He made the show that TV Guide called "the greatest show of all time." I wouldn't exactly believe everything they've ever said (otherwise I'd be "glued to my seat, eagerly awaiting the next exciting episode" of Sex in the City, a show about a bunch of chicks that are going through menopause or something) but still, they usually manage to tell me when they're doing an infomercial about the magic bullet (3AM, ABC) so they must know something. So he gets an 7. He'd get a 9 if he died.

Sarah Palin
Everybody knows who she is. Every since she pretended she was running for office (remember when Hulk Hogan did that? Classic). This was the smartest move in her stand-up improv career. She went from a 1 to an easy 8.

Connection With the Common Man
George Carlin
He was great in his time, but what teenager knows his name now? You can't connect and then disappear, you've got to maintain that connection...make people think they need you to survive. Like neckties. Also, he's dead. And unless you give celebrity tours through cemeteries, most people don't feel that connected. I just asked the person next to me how connected she feels to him. She rolled her eyes and looked away. Not even the creepy lady next to me on the subway would rate him higher than a 3.

Jerry Seinfeld
Most of us do absolutely nothing in our lives. This guy made an entire TV about it. He lives in a rather spacious apartment in New York, which is something not many connect with, but his endless, day-to-day drooling dribble is what most of us experience every second of our lives. During his stand up, he talks about taxis, airplanes, going to the eat food, all the stuff we do all the time. 7.

Sarah Palin
Okay, so she doesn't REALLY connect to the common man, but the fact she pretends to is pretty hysterical. Remember when she recorded some segment where they were killing chickens in the background, as if we all did that on a daily basis? Priceless. A 7, for that alone.

George Carlin
This guy had more influence over comedians than the Black Death influenced feudal England. Even people that had no idea who he was before he died claim that he was their second father now. A very solid 7.

Jerry Seinfeld
Well...let's face it...his comedy is about every day things. He's not bringing about a cause. (Though he probably was good for whomever has the rights to Superman.) People don't get out of bed and do anything differently because of him. If anything, it's the other way around. Sorry Jerry. 3.

Sarah Palin
Her comedy has gone so far as to actually write its way into history! Currently, she helps lead a huge bunch of roadies/groupies that call themselves the "Tea Party." Despite not having ever had a sip of tea in their life. Like many comedians, she's convinced literally thousands of people certain scientifically factual things aren't true, like climate change, evolution. Also, she's pulled the classic comedy maneuver of the character of a hypocrite, going to Canada to get socialized medicine, pretending to be multicultural, etc. Only a genius could write it. 9.

The winner: Sarah Palin. Truely the funniest thing to happen to this country. Ever.

Cereal Sucks

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Apparently this all started back in the colonial days when some chick couldn't find anything for breakfast and decided to pour some milk on top of some popcorn (probably left over from one of those colonial movie theaters). As a final thought she sprinkled sugar on it, knowing her kids probably needed some calories before the winter, as this was before every child in America was obese. She then had the audacity to serve this to her family as soon as they got out of bed. I'm sure her husband had questions.

Husband: "What the hell is this?"
Wife: "It's for breakfast. It's the popcorn from the theater mixed with--"
H: "I'm not blind, you idiot. I can recognize vomit when I see it."
W: "That's cream and--"
H: "The popcorn soaked it all up. It's vomit. It looks like rotting cat litter."

At some point in time they must have realised their kids were quiet and eating, probably due to the three pounds of sugar the lady used to create her gourmet dish. Because of this, no doubt, they decided to keep making it.

The last thing I want when I get out of bed is a bowl of something I have to eat with a spoon that's cold and soggy, and usual has the word Flakes in it's name.

About 50% of the people in the US eat cereal for breakfast. At least 50% of the people in the US are demented imbeciles.

Do a Google image search for "best breakfast." Guess how many pictures of cereal you find.