Sunday, November 7, 2010

10 Reasons Why I Found This Week At Work Hilarious

1. Immediately on sitting down, I find I have once again selected the "Incredible Shrinking Chair" as my seat for the night. Periodically, the hydraulic portion of the chair fails bit by bit, causing me to experience "work turbulence" throughout the night.

2. The other staff bicker about who did what and when. Immediately after, they proceed to bicker about bickering.

3. Workplace discovers workers are spending too much time on facebook and blocks the site, inadvertently blocking their ability to maintain their own facebook fan page, which was created as a PR stunt. Employees catch on and realize by becoming a fan of the workplace, they will force the IT department to keep access open in the vain hope of employees creating user-generated content and sending traffic to their fan page. Employees never open the fan page and would rather die before creating user-generated content for the workplace.

4. When common supplies are not ordered due to the stock room spending too much time playing solitaire or other online flash games, a lengthy email is sent out, desperately trying to explain the supplies could not be acquired because the nation's plastic mines are being depleted, but a new mine is expected to open up soon.

5. There is an employee who, at one time, was likely very efficient. Unfortunately every system, computer program, and protocol she was efficient at has not been in use for the past 20 years. The employee is now only efficient at consuming more oxygen in the room than anyone else while still physically moving the least.

6. At some point, there is a fire somewhere in the building that is announced over the PA system. An hour after the initial announcement, they announce it's "All Clear." Despite apparently having an actual, dangerous fire for an entire hour, the systems automatic fire drill sounds in the same location approximately half an hour after employees were finally allowed to return to their stations. Some of these take it as a sign they are finished for the day and go home.

7. Older, less efficient employees desperately attempt to "teach" me anything about anything about my job in attempt to show superiority. After two hours of me relatively effortlessly outperforming two of those specific coworkers combined, I walk into the break room to discover one of them browsing the classified section for jobs. I decide not to tell her about,, or Google.

8. A supervisor spends at least 45 minutes roaming the halls searching for the missing employees he believes were injured in the actual fire three hours ago. The remainder of the staff knows they left, but do not say anything.

9. Despite having an extremely high-tech system, the creators of the program most of us use failed to take in the concept of "Day-Light Savings Time." As we fell back an hour, the system fell apart entirely, unable to understand how there could be two 0100's in one day without the aid of a Delorean and a Mr. Fusion. This prevented anyone from doing any work for two hours. Unfortunately, we are paid for the same system, so although we were all here for an extra hour this shift, no one will get paid for it.

10. The supervisor has decided the employees that left during the fire drill somehow became confused and thought everyone was supposed to leave. He attempts to reach several of them via cell phone, but none of them answer. He assumes it's a coincidence. Google Latitude shows all but one of them currently at Pat's Bar.