Saturday, October 23, 2010

Who is the most hilarious? George Carlin, Jerry Seinfeld, or Sarah Palin?

There are some funny people out there. I was attempting to determine the funniest person to ever exist and have narrowed it down to George Carlin, Jerry Seinfeld, and Sarah Palin. I'm rating on these criteria: Popularity, Connection With the Common Man, and Influence.

George Carlin
He's like the Jesus of the comedy world. All comedians know his stuff and never cease to constantly give him credit to their "success." Plus he died recently, a smart move on his part, because it boosted his popularity to at least an 8.

Jerry Seinfeld
He made the show that TV Guide called "the greatest show of all time." I wouldn't exactly believe everything they've ever said (otherwise I'd be "glued to my seat, eagerly awaiting the next exciting episode" of Sex in the City, a show about a bunch of chicks that are going through menopause or something) but still, they usually manage to tell me when they're doing an infomercial about the magic bullet (3AM, ABC) so they must know something. So he gets an 7. He'd get a 9 if he died.

Sarah Palin
Everybody knows who she is. Every since she pretended she was running for office (remember when Hulk Hogan did that? Classic). This was the smartest move in her stand-up improv career. She went from a 1 to an easy 8.

Connection With the Common Man
George Carlin
He was great in his time, but what teenager knows his name now? You can't connect and then disappear, you've got to maintain that connection...make people think they need you to survive. Like neckties. Also, he's dead. And unless you give celebrity tours through cemeteries, most people don't feel that connected. I just asked the person next to me how connected she feels to him. She rolled her eyes and looked away. Not even the creepy lady next to me on the subway would rate him higher than a 3.

Jerry Seinfeld
Most of us do absolutely nothing in our lives. This guy made an entire TV about it. He lives in a rather spacious apartment in New York, which is something not many connect with, but his endless, day-to-day drooling dribble is what most of us experience every second of our lives. During his stand up, he talks about taxis, airplanes, going to the eat food, all the stuff we do all the time. 7.

Sarah Palin
Okay, so she doesn't REALLY connect to the common man, but the fact she pretends to is pretty hysterical. Remember when she recorded some segment where they were killing chickens in the background, as if we all did that on a daily basis? Priceless. A 7, for that alone.

George Carlin
This guy had more influence over comedians than the Black Death influenced feudal England. Even people that had no idea who he was before he died claim that he was their second father now. A very solid 7.

Jerry Seinfeld
Well...let's face it...his comedy is about every day things. He's not bringing about a cause. (Though he probably was good for whomever has the rights to Superman.) People don't get out of bed and do anything differently because of him. If anything, it's the other way around. Sorry Jerry. 3.

Sarah Palin
Her comedy has gone so far as to actually write its way into history! Currently, she helps lead a huge bunch of roadies/groupies that call themselves the "Tea Party." Despite not having ever had a sip of tea in their life. Like many comedians, she's convinced literally thousands of people certain scientifically factual things aren't true, like climate change, evolution. Also, she's pulled the classic comedy maneuver of the character of a hypocrite, going to Canada to get socialized medicine, pretending to be multicultural, etc. Only a genius could write it. 9.

The winner: Sarah Palin. Truely the funniest thing to happen to this country. Ever.

Cereal Sucks

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Apparently this all started back in the colonial days when some chick couldn't find anything for breakfast and decided to pour some milk on top of some popcorn (probably left over from one of those colonial movie theaters). As a final thought she sprinkled sugar on it, knowing her kids probably needed some calories before the winter, as this was before every child in America was obese. She then had the audacity to serve this to her family as soon as they got out of bed. I'm sure her husband had questions.

Husband: "What the hell is this?"
Wife: "It's for breakfast. It's the popcorn from the theater mixed with--"
H: "I'm not blind, you idiot. I can recognize vomit when I see it."
W: "That's cream and--"
H: "The popcorn soaked it all up. It's vomit. It looks like rotting cat litter."

At some point in time they must have realised their kids were quiet and eating, probably due to the three pounds of sugar the lady used to create her gourmet dish. Because of this, no doubt, they decided to keep making it.

The last thing I want when I get out of bed is a bowl of something I have to eat with a spoon that's cold and soggy, and usual has the word Flakes in it's name.

About 50% of the people in the US eat cereal for breakfast. At least 50% of the people in the US are demented imbeciles.

Do a Google image search for "best breakfast." Guess how many pictures of cereal you find.